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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27254815">for you: devotion</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaumari/pseuds/kaumari'>kaumari</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(kinda ptsd? idk i didn't write with that in mind), Alternate Universe - Dungeons and Dragons, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Nightmares, so self-indulgent but give it a shot, sorry kita-san, the angst is bc atsumu is feeling Guilty</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:48:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,488</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27254815</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaumari/pseuds/kaumari</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>What could have happened is distorted and wicked. There’s always something wrong, there’s always something that goes wrong. Sometimes they stay small. An extra scar on Shinsuke’s arms, or a different curse. Sometimes they’re life-changing. Sometimes Atsumu fails. Those ones sink their teeth in.</i>
</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kita Shinsuke/Miya Atsumu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>for you: devotion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi, as always i am dumping all of my interests in a pot, mixing it, and hoping i get something decent. current obsession: dnd. super vague and sad backstory! idk i wanted atsumu to hurt a little! enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It’s not often that Atsumu wakes up with his heart in his throat and a spell on his tongue, but it seems to be turning into a recurring state. He hates it. Waking up in a sweaty, panicked mess, anxious to face an enemy that doesn’t exist, makes him paranoid. Paranoia is a liability and a vulnerability. Liabilities and vulnerabilities get you killed. This is the fact of the matter, and Atsumu had thought he knew it well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cocky and brash bravado dissipate in the night, and he is left only with this aching horror. Atsumu wishes he could scrub the images off the back of his eyes, but they stick like resin, crystallized into amber with the eternity they’ve spent in his dreams. He’s so tired of the puffiness of his eyes, the scratch of his voice, and he wishes he could convince himself it’s not real. Because even when he shifts to his right and sees that Shinsuke is safe, it doesn’t feel any better. It doesn’t feel any less real.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The dreams are, more or less, reiterations and uniterations. What happened and what could have happened. What happened is simple and straightforward. These don’t tear into his heart so badly because he knows everything was alright in the end. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(don’t think about the exhaustion on his face, don’t, if you do you’ll feel sick and useless, if you do you’ll remember the scars that refuse to fade away, if you do you’ll remember it’s your fault.)</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What could have happened is distorted and wicked. There’s always something wrong, there’s always something that </span>
  <em>
    <span>goes</span>
  </em>
  <span> wrong. Sometimes they stay small. An extra scar on Shinsuke’s arms, or a different curse. Sometimes they’re life-changing. Sometimes Atsumu fails. Those ones sink their teeth in. Those ones hold him in their clutches for hours as he tries to remind himself everything is </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>, no one </span>
  <em>
    <span>died</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and it’s still not enough to hold back the sting of his blurry vision and choked gasps.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the morning, he tucks it all away in a special chest he’s labeled “don’t think about it” and pretends everything is alright. It fools approximately no one. But this is Atsumu, the champion of refusing to talk about his feelings, and so there’s no point even if they tried. There’s no point—unless you’re Kita Shinsuke, the tried and tested veteran of getting him to open up with only a few words and a look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Atsumu has avoided being alone with him for the past three weeks for precisely that reason, and it hasn’t been doing their relationship many favors either.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s only that every time he looks at him, there’s another face superimposed in its place. Bruised, battered, bleeding. It’s not real, it’s not. But it’s still there, and it still stabs his conscience in its weakest spot. And if he takes the easy out, if he just stops looking at Shinsuke altogether, it’ll hurt even worse. It’ll be as if the knife was twisted, not only because of his own pain, but because he’ll have to see it mirrored on Shinsuke’s face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s bad enough to see it in his dreams. It’s bad enough like that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s bad enough to wake up wondering if everything will be rewritten, that he didn’t actually save him, and everything since has been a product of his cruel imagination.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(it’s bad enough to touch his face, lightly, lighter than you’ve ever touched anything in your life, and wonder how something so physical could ever be a lie.)</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tonight is one of those nights, but it’s not as bad as it might have been. The forest is a comfort he’s used to, and hearing the crickets in the night settles him. When he feels less likely to set the forest on fire in his panic, he rolls over. The flickering fire he sees reflected in Shinsuke’s eyes makes him recoil, as if merely a look burnt him. Shinsuke sits up and gestures silently for Atsumu to do the same, and he starts to walk into the forest. He doesn’t have any choice but to follow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they’re out of the firelight, Shinsuke uses his Dancing Lights spell to make a glowing ball of light appear, illuminating his blank face and what is likely Atsumu’s own nervousness. He knows he’s avoiding eye contact.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been avoiding me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve spent plenty of time with you,” Atsumu deflects. Shinsuke blinks pointedly and flicks the ball off his hand to float next to them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You have no problems with me when everyone else is around, but you can’t stand to look at me alone. Did I do something?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” The guilt is back, clawing at his chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Atsumu.” When he manages to glance at Shinsuke, he only finds concern in the set of his frown. “Will you please tell me what’s wrong?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s very little Shinsuke would plead for. It’s only a simple ‘please,’ but that in and of itself is enough for Atsumu to crack. “I’m sorry, Shinsuke, it’s my fault.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s your fault?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“All of it.” He presses his back against a tree, wincing when the bark digs into his skin. “It’s my fault ya ended up getting caught, and then you almost died.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t have.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you could’ve. And it was my fault.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How many times will you say that?” Shinsuke steps closer. “Will it change anything?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If I was—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“—What you were is in the past, isn’t that right?” His eyes bore into Atsumu’s, and as much as he wants to, this time he can’t look away. “What you are now is what matters.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What if I’m still the same?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinsuke clicks his tongue against his teeth. “And why do you think that?” A beat passes. “How much time have you been spending every day working on your spells?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Five hours.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And how many spells have you learned in the last month?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Eight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And how many have you mastered?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Four.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that not an indication that you’ve changed?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Atsumu finally tears his gaze away. “It’s barely anything. I’m still weak.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you measuring that weakness against? I’m equally as capable as you. Don’t you think it’s my responsibility, and mine alone, to ensure my safety?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m supposed to be keeping everyone safe!” Atsumu snaps. “What good am I if I can’t even do somethin’ as simple as that? I know you can take care of yourself, but I’m supposed to take care of you too, Shinsuke. And what a miserable failure I was at that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(if you think about it, if you simply brush your thoughts against the idea, you can still see how small he looked. shinsuke has never seemed small, no matter how tall the stacked odds, until he was brought down with chains.)</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think… I think I’m scared,” he admits, hanging his head and watching the sway of their shadows in time with the ball of light. “That you won’t be so lucky next time. Or I won’t be.” Shinsuke is silent for a moment, probably either examining him or trying to decide what to say next. He’s careful that way, in a way Atsumu will probably never be. He clenches his fist and holds that thought at bay. Shinsuke’s shadow moves closer, his arms rising in front of him, and Atsumu instinctively falls into his embrace.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whether or not luck smiles on us isn’t in our control.” Shinsuke’s hand rubs soothingly over the ridge of his spine. “All we have are our muscles and our wits. And as long as we trust them, we’ll be fine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ya make it sound so straightforward, Shin.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not hoping luck will make my spells hit. I’m only relying on the years I’ve spent practicing them.” One hand comes up to rest at the nape of his neck. “And it’s still not your fault. You can’t control every situation we end up in, and there were too many people in that market to watch all of them at once.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I should’ve been more watchful, I know you get overwhelmed in crowds.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There were too many people,” Shinsuke repeats. “And I won’t let you take responsibility for my condition because, and this will shock you, it wasn’t your fault.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shin,” Atsumu whines, pulling back so Shinsuke could see the pout on his face. “I thought you said I was sensitive?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never said I’d coddle you, though.” He releases Atsumu and flicks his wrist to bring the hovering ball back to his hand, and turns around to start leading them back to camp. Atsumu watches, rooted in place, until the ball with Shinsuke no longer bathes him in its light.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll protect you next time, Shin.” There’s no one to hear it beside himself, but no one else needs to know it. He’s no paladin—he never has been interested in being good for the sake of it—but this is one vow he’ll die to keep.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>find me on <a href="https://twitter.com/kaumaridevi">twitter</a> + <a href="https://curiouscat.me/kaumaridevi">curiouscat</a>!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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